then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
