is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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