you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
