I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
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