Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
