I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
