Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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