The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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