i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
