Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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