First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
