Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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