I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
