I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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