i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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