Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
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