I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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