woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
