Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
