Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
