I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
