I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
