dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
