I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
