We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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