My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
