yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
