worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
