This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
