somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she pinky promised me she was 18
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
