Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I am one with the molecules
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
