1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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