Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
