are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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