Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
