Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
