I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
