We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This is classic penis vs brain.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
