Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
