see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
