You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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