i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
