I just pynch a tree in the face
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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