You can't special order awesome
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
