Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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