Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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