The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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