You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
