foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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