i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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