I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
