I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
