all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
