not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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